Daddy's (God's) Girl

My husband and our Little Girl

Miss Caroline:  Giddy As Daddy Pushes Her In The Swing

A girl of elementary age...

I thought I needed him... my father.

My heart longed for this relationship,  

The relationship I had observed in my friends' backyards.  

The bond between a man and his little princess.  

I pictured him swinging me around in circles.
Holding tightly to my little hands, as the two of us laugh in delight.

I pictured me an impressionable child... sitting on his lap, as he imparted love filled wisdom into my youthful ears, as he told me about life and his love.

I knew I had a father.
I knew his name, and his mother ( my grandma ), holds my fondest memories.
My grandmother was my childhood solace.
Always there... ready to listen... loving me... and allowing me to find myself.  

Secretly my little heart, longed for a daddy.
Over the years he randomly popped in and out, not often... and never for long.
I believe he wanted to be a daddy, and a few times he tried.
For whatever reason, past trauma... fear of refection... selfishness... lack of Godly direction, he couldn't.

As a teenage girl I found God.
He became the answer to my years of hurt... rejection... and emptiness.
Along the way, God filled my secret longings for a daddy.
He filled the empty places deep within my heart.

Many nights, 16 and alone, I cried out, "Father, Hold me.  I need you to hold me.  The loneliness is suffocating!"
Moments after crying out, "Daddy?" A sense of warmth washed over me, and I felt God's arms gently holding me, and whispering in my ear.
Healing was subtle... Daily I opened my heart to my Father's love, and my need for an earthly father slowly dissipated.

As a woman...  

I lie here on the couch.  

Sleep evades me.

Today this man popped back into my life...

My stable... content... and happy life.

My children met the man who gave me my eyes, and he shook my husband's hand.

I sat back.

Unsure of my feeling's and intently reaching for God's guidance.

To my astonishment I realized... the lack of bitterness in my heart.

Bitterness has no vacancy in a heart... so full... so blessed... and so full of God's love and grace.

My father's now an old man.  

Lives alone.

Loneliness screams from his eyes.

He hugs his grandchildren for the first time... he hugs me... and for the first time I sense his longing... his heart's desire to never let go.

I back away, the moment surreal....

Entirely too awkward.  

Uncertainty fills my heart.

Afraid he may want to stay... and a familiar fear... that he won't.

The early morning hours encroach upon me.
I'm wide awake, praying... thinking... and groping through this sudden influx of emotions.
I sense my Daddy saying, "In all your ways acknowledge me, and I will direct your paths."
"Cast your cares upon me, because I care for you."
For now... I'll take it one day at a time.
I know God's will is perfect, and He has never left my side.
Wherever He leads, I'll go!