We Need God

As a student pursuing a Master’s degree in counseling, I have come across information which has thrown me back into my past. My past is not a comfortable place and my motto is “my past is my past… it’s better off left in the {past}”. As a counseling student I’ve come to understand the importance of thoroughly dealing with my painful history. I recall a recent Christian counseling experience, where I spent an hour retelling my story. I left the office in tears and feeling defeated. Despite, these initial temporary negative emotions I continued to attend counseling services. The next week God prepared my heart for miraculous understanding and healing. Soon I began to experience freedom in God’s love. I realized, despite my ability to function effectively in life as a woman in the church, a wife, a mother, and a friend, many of my struggles were evolving from deep rooted past experiences.

{Why am I writing this?}

Unfortunately, I feel many of us have painful life stories. Many of us attend church, put a big smile on our faces, and pretend we’ve got everything under control.
{What have I learned?}

There is {no} healing in pretending!

We attend church, get involved in every activity under the sun, and keep ourselves constantly on the go and entertained… all in effort to avoid our inner struggles. I am pursuing a degree in counseling, not because I think I have arrived or that I’ve got it all figured out. I am pursuing a degree in counseling because I realize that this world, our homes, and our churches are filled with God’s {imperfect} and {hurting} people. I am pursuing a degree in counseling to develop skills to come alongside God’s people and offer a safe place for my brother’s and sister’s to grow… to pray… to confess their frailties and insecurities from one who has suffered the {pit} myself.

Friends, I am by far the picture of {perfection}. I need Christ every moment to face the constant spiritual battle attempting to gain victory over my soul. My soul has been won through the price Christ paid at the cross. I need Christ’s love to face each day… to achieve God’s continual peace… and find complete and ultimate healing. One day I will face Christ at the pearly gates and I yearn to hear him say, “Welcome home! Well done my faithful servant!”

I can’t remain a faithful servant on my own. I need thee every hour! I need thee everyday! I need thee in my darkness! I need thee when my strength is depleted! I need thee to face this life… victoriously! That’s why I am pursuing a degree in counseling!

{We ALL need Him, in every aspect of our lives!}

I proclaim to the world the healing God has performed in my heart! He’s all that, and I am just a vessel, A {measly} vessel he has so graciously called to be the hand’s and feet of Jesus.

Friends, please pray as I continue to pursue this degree… Pray that I will remain steadfast and focused on God… Pray that I will be open to the Holy Spirit!

Blessings,

Crystal

When Your Child Ministers To You

Tonight my son Robby and I were cleaning out the van and a song came on the radio. The song was “Thank You”, by Ray Boltz. This past November I sang this song at my uncles funeral. Suddenly, I missed my uncle deeply and tears began falling from my eyes. My son suddenly became quiet (this is quite rare) and asked me if I am okay. I told him that the song made me miss my uncle. I explained the huge impact my uncle had on my life. My eleven year old son looked up at me with such tenderness and said, “Isn’t it such a blessing to know we’ll see him again in Heaven!” The thought of seeing my uncle again in Heaven brought such peace to my grieving heart.

Friends, I am blessed! My son {really} ministered to me tonight. I told him thank you, hugged him, and told him how proud I am of him. Despite, my daily imperfections as a mother, somehow my boy is turning into a man after God’s heart.

My son ministered to my heart! I couldn’t be more proud of my Robby. I’m beginning to see the {blessings} involved in watching your children grow up and mature. You know what? It feels pretty good!

Blessings,

Crystal

New blog link!

This blog is in retirement!  Please follow link to new and improved link.  If you receive this in an e-mail please follow link and scroll down to right side and enter your e-mail address in the link "follow blog via e-mail."  Thank you for your faithful following and it is my hope you will follow my new and improved blog.

http://theflamewithin.me/2012/09/16/the-flame-within-me/

God Bless,

Crystal

"Once Again"... I Will "Trust and Obey"

Windows open...  The birds sing enthusiastic praises up to Heaven.

Here I sit at the table... fighting back... undesirable emotions.  I refuse to cry... tears are a sign of weakness... of a lack of faith.

Life is life... I will, "Trust and Obey"!  I will not bellyache... I will not fight my Father every step of the way.  His "Word" reminds me that the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.

I know "all" the right answers, I realize... trusting in the Father... is the only way to go.

Yet, another lurking move, and more unknowns await my future.

To be purely honest... I'm not quite sure my heart can cope with another "big" move.

I'm yearning... desiring... reaching for some stability... I long for some long term boredom.  The knowing... the familiar faces at Target... the mindless driving of familiar territory... watching my children continue to build long-term friendships... knowing my baby girl, will share the same teachers as her older brothers... knowing my friends... where they live... and who I can call for help nearby.

At this point, I want to fall on the floor.  Throw a four year old sized tantrum.   (If I thought it would do any good, I just might)

Screaming won't change the inevitable outcome.  Crying won't either.  Being grumpy with God, my husband, and children definitely will not change the outcome..

All I have is God...

All I can do is pray...

I must continue to trust....  To put away my desire for familiarity, and once again... trust in Him.

To be honest... Just between me and you... I don't want to trust.  I wan't to scream, throw a fit, cry.  Anything to control my world, and my desires.

Trust me, I've done plenty crying, screaming, and toddler sized tantrum throwing in my 34 years on this Earth.  To my knowledge... none of these antics have ever proved a successful outcome.

Like a four year old, learns throwing tantrums in the middle of Walmart, doesn't earn an exit reward.  So have I learned, negativity ... fighting... and bitterness hasn't earned me any rewards.

Tears... gently flow.

Despite, my humanness I will trust Him, "once again", in the midst of the tears.

I will allow Him to prove Himself to me, "once again"...

I will cry... because I can't make the tears stop.

Knowing that He's there "once again" catching every tear drop.

Wiping away every drop... of pain... frustration... fear... and uncertainty.

"Once again"... I will "Trust and Obey".

Offer... Our Reason For Hope

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOKswS3TziQ



I found this song today, and couldn't help but share it with my readers.  "Girl America", is me... it's you!  I found my self  in this song, many things mentioned in the lyrics was the beginning "my childhood" hell.  I observed things no child should ever see. There are more girls and boys in the world raised in childhood "hell" than good, Christian, and loving homes.  I don't mean to sound negative, but just facing the facts, this is life for so many.  I'm thankful God lead me to a quaint little Southern Baptist Church, and thankful the people in the church saw "me", and not the hard shell life had created on and around me.  I see a new mentality within so many of today's churches.  We don't have time to deal with the "imperfect".  We run a perfectly smooth church... no time to stop... no time to witness into the lives of others.  What has happened to the concept of "saving the lost"?  This song has made me "stop" and think...  "How can I be Christ to those I come in contact with?"  If we don't spread the good news, who will?  Plus, if we don't share God's love with those around us, we are missing out on countless blessings.  This is just a thought to ponder today.  When's the last time you reached out to someone and offered your reason for hope?

Blessings,

Crystal

Caroline's 1st Birthday

Caroline sporting her Korean dress

Christopher

Sweet birthday girl

Happy birthday girl

Daniel & Caroline

Daniel and Caroline

Our sweet little girl

What a blessing?

Caroline loves her big brother Robby

Kiss the baby

The whole crew

Robby and Grandpa

The family

Mommy and Daughter

Caroline with grandma and grandpa

Can I trust Him... Today?

Today I need to cry.  These tears continue to escape my deep blue eyes.  I long to write... to put on paper these feelings eating away my joy.

My world is spinning... spinning so fast.  No matter how hard I try I can't make it stop.  The sun rises, and yet another night steels away the known.  I will awaken in the morning... my world spinning... the unknown lurking.

Will my loved ones be taken away... the dearest elderly... whom hold my heart.  Those whom pray harder... and tenderly love... really know God's love... and extend His love to His people.. will today be their day... to see Jesus?

Each morning my life's meaning... my four amazing children... are maturing.  Another day closer to adulthood... marriage... and children of their own.  Maybe I'm overly emotional... but I love my little people.  As frazzled as my kids can make me... I dread the day I move them away from our home.  Will my children... as adults... grow into whole... happy... successful... people?  Adults with positive thoughts about their time... in our home... in my presence... in my affections.  Will they trust God... will they forgive my daily failures... will they hold me accountable for my misbehavior in parenting?

Why do I ponder such frail thoughts?  Why can't I just enjoy today... and let tomorrow worry about itself?

Will my husband succeed... will he find fulfillment... in his life... in his job?  Am I the helpmate he needs... the one on earth... whom will gently walk beside him... and gently guide him... to his full capabilities?  Will he walk with me hand in hand... into old age?

Can I forgive those whom hurt my feelings?  Those whom have rejected me once... those whom continually have rejected me since childhood?  Can I have a heart of compassion?  Will God continue to blossom my ability to forgive... as Christ forgave me... for my part in nailing him on the cross?

Why is my heart continually sensitive?  Why can't I find a comfortable level... of toughness?  Why can't I find a firm... sense of emotional level headedness?

Tomorrow is uncertain... my future... a mystery.  Today... I reevaluate my life... What is my ultimate purpose in life?  What is my life's goal?  Do I have faith... unfaltering faith... do I truly comprehend His love?  Can I place my future in the hands of the one... whom has never let me down?  Can I trust him with all the unknowns lurking in my life... can I trust him with tomorrow... with years of faithfulness?  Can I count on Him to wipe away today's tears... tomorrow's fear's?  Can I really trust Him.... with my heart?

Through the years... He's proven faithful.  Yes... He's allowed tear's to escape my eyes... and yet He's never allowed a tear to fall... as He's been there tenderly wiping away each drop.  He's allowed me to live... to see... to experience His miracles abundantly.  He's made all things.... in time.. work for good... to those... to me... who loves Him.  Who trusts in His name.

Do I trust His name?  Today.... as the tears fall?  As those around me... reject me... hurt my heart?  As my future's uncertain... while my children are in my care... as I walk with my husband... as I live... today?  Today... I say "Yes"... an astounding, "Yes"!  I will seek Him... allow him to forgive through me... I will find fulfillment in His word... I will seek to bless those He puts in my path.  I choose "Yes"... I choose Him... and I trust... today!

Sunflowers... The Desire of My Heart

A year ago, we had a dead tree cut down in the front yard, and the space where the tree was cut down was boring.  I wanted something pretty to take the place of the tree.  A few months ago, I decided to plant sunflowers in the spot.  I'm a bit fearful of keeping things alive.  Every time I have cared a plant, or attempted to planted something, it has died.  I determined this time would be
different.  I watered the flowers nightly, sang to them, talked to them ( I really didn't sing to them and talk to them, don't worry I haven't gone completely crazy), and prayed they would grow into beautiful flowers.  After several weeks, the seeds began to sprout.  The flowers began to grow, and I was thrilled.  One morning, I walked out of the house to check on my baby sunflowers, and they had been eaten.  Some animal, came along and ate my precious flowers.  I was heart broken, and once again felt like a "naturely" failure.  My husband, trying to be serious, and trying not to laugh, hugged me and told me he was sorry.  A very dear friend once told me, "Life's what happens, when you have other plans!"  (How true!)

A few days later, my husband walked inside and said, "Crystal did you see the sunflowers growing in the backyard, and in the front by the bird feeders?"  Much to my excitement, I found sunflowers growing all over my yard.  These amazing flowers are growing in large bunches.  Needless to say, I am thrilled!  My husband told me last week, "I think it's funny that you cared for those sunflowers in the front, sang to them, watered them, and spent hours helping them to grow.  And all the while these flowers, grew with no help from you or anyone."  Even in the midst of our drought, the flowers grew wild, strong, and beautiful.

I  began observing these spontaneous sunflowers growing in our yard, and I began to think.  These sunflowers represent my spiritual life in several ways.

First, I was focused intently on this small area of my yard, I failed to recognize other beautiful flowers growing, in other parts of the yard.  How often do place all our energy into one person, thing, desire, etc, and fail to see other things, God has in our path.  I struggle with this continuously.  Having come from a dysfunctional family, I have many family member's whom have serious issues.  I can focus intently on solving their problems, to the point I fail to see other people who need my help.  Unfortunately,  it usually ends up being my beloved husband and children whom take the back burner.  It is a constant struggle prioritizing my time, attention, and energy. I have to remind myself, God is first, husband is second, children are third, and the rest.

Secondly, I realize that all while I am attempting to use my own power to grow the sunflowers, God is growing flowers all around me.  Often, I feel that if I don't teach my children, if I don't keep them right at arm's length, they will be runied.  I hold too tightly, I fail to allow God to use other people to witness into their lives.  He will use people all over the world, to grow my children, unto Him.  I am simply one venue for their growth (albeit, a big one).

Third, I was depressed and sad when the animal ate my flowers.  My imagination couldn't have fathomed, God would grow beautiful sunflowers, unbeknownst to me, in other parts of  my yard.  God is cool, like that, amazing.. really! Although our plan often fails, he usually has something more beautiful heading our way.  We must only wait, and believe!  We were living in Korea, for 3 years.  To be honest, living abroad was taking it's toll on me.  I began praying, "God bring us back to the states!  Anywhere?  I just want to go home!"  I would ask my husband everyday, "Did you get any e-mails from Alaska... South Dakota... ?"  (I mean I really didn't care.  I just wanted to be home!)  One morning out of the blue, my husband received an e-mail from our home in Bloomington, In.  Indiana University wanted him to take a visiting professorship.  I never imagined God would bring us home...  That is so like God!  He truly desires to give us the desires of our hearts.

Finally, God reminded me once again, that he knows my thoughts, my deepest desires, and He loves me!  I never prayed God would bring my sunflowers back, or for sunflowers to grow in my yard.  I assumed all was lost, and I would have to wait another year.  God proved his love to me.  He wanted me to see His beautiful creation, and knew the pleasure these sunflowers would bring to me.  God blesses me "ALL THE TIME"!  I love it!  I prayed as a little girl, for God to give me a loving and Christian family.  Although, I had to wait several years until he lead me to my husband.  He gave me the desire's of my heart.  A loving husband, three sons, and now a little girl! He blesses us, and He longs to put joy into our lives.  We must stop and see His blessings!

God loves me...  He portrayed His love to me, in the growth of the beautiful sunflowers in my yard.  How has God revealed His love to you?  Do you take time to stop, and smell His roses?  Do you remain quiet, and still long enough for God to whisper, His love into your heart?  

God Bless,

Crystal

A Sunflower Reaching To Heaven

Earthy...  Not me.

Gardening... Not my cup of tea.

The beauty of a sunflower.

Encourages me... To attempt using my green thumb.

Sitting in the front yard. 

Hunched over... lifting dirt with a tiny shovel.

Gently placing the seeds.

Under a warm... moist blanket of earth.

Praying... God help these flowers grow.

Make them into a beautiful piece of your creation.

To blossom into a symbol.

A resemblance of myself.

My relationship with Him.

Similar to that of a Sunflower.

The sunflower's growth.

Occurs when it reaches up to Heaven.

Sunflowers receive enrichment,

through the Father's earthy nutrients.

The rain... His word... Reaching into my soul.

Planting seeds of love, answers to prayer's, and daily comfort.

The seeds are absorbed deep into my being.

Encouraging spiritual growth.

Each day, I reach to Heaven.

Yearning... longing... needing His love.

Many day's I feel weak.

My mind and body droops.

It is on the day's, my strength is depleted.

I lift my weary self toward Heaven.

The maker... the creator of my life.

I find strength... encouragement... and a will to grow.

Yesterday, I saw myself.

A thirsty,  needy, wilted... flower longing for spiritual nourishment.

Today, I see myself a maturing sunflower.

Reaching to Heaven.

One day, He will make me complete.

One day... I too will be a beautiful... whole... and strong sunflower.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Caroline!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vhFnTjia_I




A daughter...
A desire of mine since childhood.
A baby to dress in pink.
A girly... girl.
A friend to accompany me shopping.

A long waited... daughter.
A long awaited answer to my inner-most prayers.
A girl who teaches her brothers' gentleness.
A little girl to reveal her brothers' tenderness.
A little girl to become a "daddy's girl".

This little one, is God's girl.
I've been blessed to be her mother on Earth.
I've been blessed to love this little one.
I've been blessed to cuddle and care for this amazing and tiny creature.
This little one, is a very loved addition in our home.

Sweet Caroline,

Today you turn the big "1".  Is it possible, is it true?  Time has flown by.  I tried to hold you tighter, longer, and more tenderly.  I wanted to absorb every precious moment, into the fibers of my being.  Even still, you grew quicker than I was prepared for.  Today you learn to walk, tomorrow I will watch you drive off in your "pink convertable" (in your dreams, kiddo).  Regardless, you are getting bigger.  Your learning much about life, learning to fold your tiny hands in prayer, learning to use your temper to achieve your goals, and learning so much by watching your mommy.  It is my prayer, sweet girl, that I will portray God to you.  That you will grow up, knowing He is real, He is there, and He is your dearest friend and comforter.  Happy Birthday, sweet heart!  I love you, and I am so glad God blessed me with one of the deepest desires of my heart.  A sweet little girl, a mini me, and a future best friend!